Hard to say goodbye

Zoe started pre-school this week. Her first day was amazing, she was so brave and didn't cry, so I thought "ok, this is going to be a piece of cake". Although first weeks are always hard when ever you take your child to school whether it be number 1 child or number 10 child I can honestly say that today 3rd day of school was the worst I have EVER experienced with all 3 of my kids!

Maybe it is just because I am at a very low point at the moment because nothing dramatic actually happened! I walked Zoe into class, she had hold of my hand and she walked me over to a table where the puzzles were laid out... I helped her sit in the chair and then she said "sit down Mummy"! I squatted down next to her and said "ok, Mummy has to go now". Her lip went down and she looked up at me and said "No mummy, sit down". She tried not to cry but it was too much for her and she started sobbing!

Again, as I said nothing out of the ordinary from any other kids first week! But imagine a little girl who is 2 and a half years of age, who lays still for a Doctor who pushes on her stomach, checks her heart, throat, ears and then moves all of her limbs in all different positions (knowing they hurt), who sticks needles and IV tubes in her continuously. Imagine that same little girl who sings to herself while she is getting a full body X-ray, or her head stuck in a machine to check her eyes and through all of that... not one tear will fall from her eye! Yet to be separated from me for such a 'NORMAL' event in her life can evoke such emotion that she does not show during her medical ordeals was heart wrenching!

I can not protect her from her physical pain but I should be able to protect her from her emotional pain and today I couldn't even do that because I know that she needs to be with children her own age and it will make her stronger later in life! I just feel like I am failing her in every way! I wish her life could be easier, pain free, free of needles, free of medication, free of illness, free of being poked  and prodded !

I wonder if other (JIA) Mother and Father's feel like I do today? Maybe next week will be better!