Life is not always easy!

So much has happened in the last few weeks. Good things and not so good things.
Zoe seems to be doing well on her treatment and we were told we wouldn't be needing to give her Chemotherapy shots. We were also told we can start reducing her Pain meds on 'Good' days.

This was a relief for all of us and a lot of stress lifted off my shoulders! I started thinking maybe things are starting to look brighter and that now all we needed was the job transfer that we have been waiting for.... New Caledonia or the Caribbean, Sun, surf, and best of all out of here and if we were lucky enough to get New Cal, we would have been closer to my home and my family!

Disneyland was upon us and I was so excited for the kids because they had no idea! I packed the car the night before and woke the kids up early the next day! We were all in the car and Paul and Mia were trying to guess where we were headed... it was all very mysterious for them and they had no clue where we were going not even when we pulled up at the hotel.

About an hour into our two and a half hour drive Willy got a phone call from a friend of his at Willy's previous News Paper that he worked for (which is in a town half an hour from here). This phone call was to plunge me into sadness, worry, anxiousness and a desperation that I didn't know existed. So I tried to put on a smile for the kids and enjoy our weekend at Disney but it was really not easy!

My dream of warmth, sunshine, ocean and home disappeared with that phone call. I feel like I am stuck in a prison with no windows and no fresh air. That may seem melodramatic to some, because where we live is actually quite beautiful but I am far away from anything familiar to who I am (not that a place can define who you are but I do believe you are a product of your surroundings)  and I am so far away from my people (family and friends) that the loneliness seeps way down into my bones! I don't think anyone can really understand the depth of what I am feeling until you have lived what we have lived this last year and adding to the fact that I have wanted to leave this place (that I can not call home for many reasons) for over 7 years now...

I feel like I have given too much and I now have nothing left to give. My emotions are raw and logic continuously does battle with those emotions, so I am perpetually tired. I feel like I have been grieving for the loss of my 'healthy' baby girl and my family in Australia and everything I miss out on day in day out by being here. However I do need to see the bigger picture and right now that is financial security for our family. I have to find a way to get through this with a smile on my face and I suppose all those years of Theatre/Drama at school will now eventually pay off.

Summer or what was suppose to be summer is now over and the kids are back in school. Paul is now in CM1 (4th grade) and Mia in CE1 (2nd grade) and Zoe is starting her first year of pre-school (mornings only). It is good to get some time for myself, even if I do nothing in particular.

On a positive note I think we will be heading home to Australia for Christmas after all :°)